This is a letter to Tracy Anderson (trainer to Madonna and Gwenyth Paltrow)

Hi Tracy,
Well congratulations on hooking a nice guy. What’s your gain is Madonna’s loss but doesn’t she have more than enough of everything already? She’ll find someone else to run the Raising Malawi Charity but she’s convinced that she’ll never find another you. From what I read in Page Six in the New York Post on Monday you live with her wherever she goes in the world so that she never misses a workout. Now that’s dedication. It’s also called, I’ve got nothing else to do with myself but obsess about what I look like all day long. I know the disease. I used to have it.

They also said in Page Six that you revealed your secrets on how “Madonna molds her astonishing body.” You said: “We train for two hours six days a week. We do 45 minutes of dance aerobics, followed by work on muscle tone, flexibility and definition.”

Wow, Tracy what a reveal! You gave away your big training secret! Do you also have them cut their carbs and not eat sugar because I don’t know if anyone told you but that’s also a way to lose weight.

So working out six days a week for two hours really does the trick? Who’d a thunk it. I had no idea. Thanks for the tip Tracy. I’m going to get right on it but before I do, can you tell me the secret behind the secret? How anyone over 30 can stand to do that much exercise that often without dropping dead from exhaustion? Will you tell us that secret??? Do you put amphetamines into their water bottles? Or is there some other trick that you use? I’d love to know Tracy because right now, if I can get through 15 minutes of cardio I consider it a really good day.

Well, good luck with your job of making skinny people even skinnier and I’ll let you know how it goes–you know, using your “secret” for weight loss.

Your Friend,
Cathy