Here’s an old piece that I wrote in 2005.  Maybe some of you can relate.

December 7, 2005

There I was Saturday night at 11pm, frantically searching for a parking spot on Broadway. I see a small space between 96th and 97th, that I decide would be worth trying to squeeze into being that it is right in front of the Gourmet Garage and that’s where I need to go.  I do my best parallel parking but the front of the car is sticking out about two feet.  I know trying to re-do the parking job will not help because the space is just too small.  I think about finding another spot, but if I pull out and start circling, I might not be able to get into Gourmet Garage before it closes and that would be tragic.  I decided to let the car stick out of the spot and take the chance of someone hitting it, because I’m desperate.  I get out of the car and run to the front door of Gourmet Garage but it’s already closed.

It’s late, it’s freezing cold and I left my gloves in the car but that doesn’t stop me from my mission.  I want some pumpkin pie goddamit and I’m going to get it.  After four years of abstinence from sugar I thought it might be a good idea to let myself eat dessert once in a while.  Of course when my Father asked me if I wanted Pumpkin Pie at Thanksgiving two weeks earlier, I said no.  Because I just can’t get used to eating in context.  Why eat one of my favorite desserts at a holiday dinner with my family when instead I could be running down Broadway at the stroke of midnight in Arctic temperatures chasing down Pumpkin Pie like a crack ho.

So I’m running south from 96th Street down Broadway in search of a bakery or store that’s still open where I can get a piece or a whole pumpkin pie.   I know it’s insane but I can’t stop myself.  A sugar addiction with a time limit on it really is like a crack habit.  If I don’t find a store or bakery soon I’m going to be totally out of luck. Yes, I  could just forget about it and go home and go to bed.  BUT I CAN’T DO THAT!!!  Now that I’ve made the decision to have the pumpkin pie I have to have it tonight.  Have to, have to, have to.  I can’t explain why, it’s just the way it is.  That’s what I hate about bingeing – the desperation, the lack of dignity.  That’s precisely why I gave up eating sugar 4 years ago.  I couldn’t stand the degradation.  Here I was thinking after 4 years of abstinence I could take or leave dessert.  Well, sometimes I can and other times, it’s just like the old days.  Once I get something into my head I won’t stop until I get it.  There’s no tomorrow in bingeing.  There’s only right now.

Part of tonight’s extravaganza was going to be hot chocolate with whipped cream. At least I know I’ve got the heavy cream in the car to make whipped cream for the hot chocolate I’m going to have when I get home.  But I’ve been wanting a piece of pumpkin pie since Thanksgiving and tonight is the night I have decided to fulfill my desires.  Because I lose all rational ability in the pre-binge moments I am unable to think clearly about where I could go to get said pie so I just keep running down Broadway like I’m  running for my life or until I stumble on some place that sells pumpkin pie.

Luckily it was only about 5 blocks before I hit the Hot and Crusty.  Not a good bakery at all but at that hour it was the best that I could hope for.  “Could it be possible  that I will actually be able to quench my desire right here right now?”  I pull open the front door and make a b-line for the case.  I’m scanning from top to bottom and bottom to top.  I don’t see it.  Cheesecake, plain, chocolate, and cherry; brownies, blondies, chocolate chip cookies, and pecan pie.  Pecan pie but no pumpkin. It can’t be!  I walk to the front of the store and scan the case again just to be sure.  No pumpkin pie.  Now what?  Should I get something else which I don’t really want just because the floodgates are open?  That cheesecake looks pretty good.  BUT I WANT PUMPKIN PIE DAMNIT!!  Since I’ve gone this far I decide to go with the chocolate cheese cake.  As the guy behind the counter puts it into one of those clear plastic clam shell things, I’m thinking “how am I going to eat that cheesecake out of that container while I’m driving because surely I will not be able to ride 30 minutes in the car with a piece of cake right next to me?”  I’ll have to either dig pieces out with my hand and then get the mush all over the steering wheel or I will have to put the container up to my face and bite into the cheesecake.  What an attractive image that is.  If someone were able to snap a picture of me actually doing that, I could be the poster child for DESPERATION.

As has been customary with the few sugar binges that I’ve had in the last two years, I find a way to salvage one last shred of dignity; one last remnant of self-control.  I decide not to eat the cheesecake until I get home.  I am somewhat surprised at my restraint but it doesn’t last long.  As soon as I get in the door I go right to the kitchen and rip open the plastic container.  Unfortunately, it’s really not that good.  I’m totally pissed off at wasting my big free -for -all on something I didn’t want in the first place that turns out to be not that good.  I eat a couple of bites and throw the rest away.  I’m impressed with my restraint.  IT’s very rare that I don’t finish cake.  Very rare.  My feelings of pride are quickly extinguished by the fact that I am firing up an electric mixer at midnight which will probably wake my husband, but I don’t care.  I don’t care if the hand mixer explodes as long as the cream is whipped first.  There’s no end to the indignities that one must suffer for one’s binge.  After mixing the hot milk with the Godiva hot chocolate mix, I scoop out a dollop of whipped cream the size of a baseball and float it on top of the hot chocolate, YUM!  Homemade whipped cream is one of the epicurean wonders of the world.   I settled for just the hot chocolate that night and when I woke up the next day I didn’t even think about pumpkin pie.   But one month later, one late night at the Empire Diner… you’ll have to wait for the next chapter to hear about that one.